I feel like my emotions are teaching me paradoxes. Because there are so many decisions of mine that I have changed with some minutes. I don’t like being wrong, but when it comes to facing myself, I change my decision according to my emotion. We as human beings are not designed very well for handling emotions. We may pretend lots of things but we all have our worst selves. When I get angry with some things, I tend to make the decision that suits my need. And trust me, you can read all kinds of books you want, all the emotion management and anger management, but we all feel it once when we are in it. You may learn to suppress it but can’t stop producing it.
I thought that I was better at controlling it. When I was a kid I never enjoyed most people’s company, my brother used to play all the time, I used that time to study. I thought I was good at controlling all the other things like the desire to play, or the desire to be in a group. But now as I have found out, I was more comfortable reading the book alone than going out and playing or meeting someone.
And being good at knowing a thing is subjective, the more someone has read or learned, the more he or she knows. Just because you have lots of information, it doesn’t make you smart. Smartness is using it into something creative. I believe I am failing in this second part, using my wisdom to do something meaningful.
Since my childhood, I have always known what I wanted. I wanted to come first in my class, I wanted to be a cricketer someday, and I wanted to score more runs than any other batsman there. Later when I left my sports career, I wanted to be a computer programmer. I did enjoy lots of projects. I have worked on so many. But now I find it hard to keep going in the same, also I am finding it hard to find something that I am interested in.
I always thought about what it’s like to have nothing about what you want because there was always something that was clear to me that I wanted. But now sadly I don’t. And finding it very hard to find a purpose.